a restless heart

Our sweet baby girl is due on June 6th, however, there is a good chance that she will arrive early. Louie and I found out a few weeks ago that I may go into preterm labor. We think she will be a lot like her mommy and already has a to do list and a planner ready to go. She has places to go and people to see! We are praying daily for her health and growth and that she will arrive in God's timing. I am 34 weeks along and we are praying that she will come after 36 weeks. 


To prevent preterm labor I (Katrina) am on bed rest and thus have been doing lots of reading and random projects. Creating this blog is one of the random projects that has been on my list! I hope to keep up with it to document our stories and the exciting adventures ahead with our growing family. I have also been working on our daughter's baby book. I have been inspired by several baby books that I have discovered through Pinterest. I will be posting a blog a bit later as more is done that has pictures of the baby book. 


During this time my heart has been restless. As I am very limited in my activity right now, I haven't been able to interact with many people. The first day or so, it was nice to have some quiet and be able to watch movies...then I got bored and lonely and began to question, why? God laid on my heart to look back through my journal and what He has been teaching me the last several months.


February 29th, my bible study leader asked the question, "Do you have an open or closed hand?" I wondered if I was approaching situations with a closed hand, my idea of how things were supposed to work and play out and not giving God a chance. It was about me, my ideas, my wishes...not about Him.


March 2nd, a good friend sent me a song, "Beautiful Things" by Gungor. The lyrics are so powerful and touched my heart:

You make beautiful things, You make beautiful things out of dust,

You make beautiful things, You make beautiful things out of us

I suggest watching the music video: 

March 4th, I heard a sermon at church entitled, "Surprise Gifts in Surprise Packages." The sermon was about how often gifts come hidden in surprise packages and how people often miss them because the gift is packaged differently than expected whether that's due to timing, the people or the suffering involved.


March 11th, a pastor at church talked about David and shared, "...in the posture of our hearts we grab and hold onto things, saying 'this is my life'." The pastor asked, "What are the lies that I hear in my head that makes me want to take?" He discussed that maybe, sometimes we take, hold, grasp, because we don't feel like God doesn't hear when we call, maybe we have stopped believing He is who He says He is. David prayed in 1 Chronicles: "Yours, Lord is the greatness and the power and the glory and the splendor and the majesty, for everything in the heavens and on earth belongs to You. Yours, Lord, is the Kingdom, and You are exalted as head over all." Can I trust God?


March 20th, during my quiet time I read from Ezekiel 37, the passage about the valley of the dry bones.  In this passage Ezekiel has a vision of a valley filled with dry bones. God asks him, 'Son of Man, can these bones live?' Ezekiel responds with, 'Lord God, only You know.' As I read this my heart was stirred. I began to think about Ezekiel's response. He had just been shown a valley filled with bones. I began to wonder if I was in Ezekiel's shoes, how would I respond? To be completely honest, I think my answer would have been no, it was after all a valley of dry bones. I would not see that there could be another option, that something could change. I know that God has the power to create, to bring life, to restore - but I think my first response would have been no. I asked myself, am I saying no to God somehow without realizing it? Where am I seeing death where there could be life, redemption, restoration? Where have I limited God and said no when I should have said, 'Lord God, only You know.'? Do I recognize God's power and sovereignty to bring life from death, instead of immediately thinking it's over and I have it all figured out?


March 20th, I read a quote from a very wise man: "My personal faith rests in Jesus Christ, the God of beginnings and endings, of history and eternity. He is the God who knows all of my doorways before I walk through them. He graciously allows some doors to remain locked and, in providence and grace, freely swings others wide open..."


March 29th, I was doing my bible study (we have been studying a lot about Paul this year) and realized that Paul was a cheerleader. He sent people to encourage others when he couldn't be there (Philippians 6:21-22, sending of Tychicus), he had a good attitude in all circumstances (Acts 16:25-26, singing in prison), he lifted others up in prayer and with encouraging words when facing challenging times (Acts 27:20-25, encouraging those on the boat in the big storm). Paul was a cheerleader. Having been a cheerleader in high school and college and a cheer coach for little girls, this was something that brought joy to my heart. It's a lesson I love, that cheerleading is not just a sport, but a way of life. This reminded me regardless of what's going on around me, it's possible to still be a cheerleader, to have an inner sparkle.


As I look back, I see how God has been preparing me for this time to take a "pregnant pause." How am I going to use this time? My desire is press into Him, draw near to Him and let go of my idea of what is supposed to happen. I want a plan, I want to know exactly when my baby girl will be born, what the next five years look like...I want to know. Today I am choosing to open my hands and let go of my "perfect" plans and believe that only He knows what is perfect. I am choosing to say that He makes beautiful things out of dust. I am choosing to look in unexpected places. I am choosing to believe that God hears my prayers. I am choosing to say, "Lord God, only you know" in circumstances that seem hopeless. I am choosing to believe that He opens and closes doors in my favor. I am choosing to be a cheerleader despite what's going on around me. I am choosing to trust that God has a purpose for this time, for us in this place and has the perfect plan for our little girl. 

"You got to wonder why we cling to our expectations because the expected is just what keeps us steady, standing, still...The unexpected is what changes our lives."